‘The man in drag was my dad’

On the stage a man is dressed in a frock, a red feathered scarf and he is covered in makeup and dancing in size nine white stilettos like a true pro. The crowd scream for more and applaud at the end of the act, Richard included. But for Richard, the show means a lot more, for the main attraction “Miss Kitty”, also known as Kevin, is his dad.

When Richard was one year old, his parents Sandy, 50 and Kevin, 48, separated. After six years of marriage, Kevin realized he could not go on living a lie much longer. He was gay, and he knew that staying with Sandy, even for Richard’s sake, would hurt her more in the long run. He was gay and he had to leave to pursue his real life.

From then Richard only saw his dad two or three times a year, usually on birthdays and at Christmas. With no consistent male influence in his life, Richard was primarily brought up by his mother and grandmother. “I remember when I was growing up my nana used to always say ‘you’re soft as clarts’. I was well looked after by my mam and nana,” Richard said. “But I never used to go out without my scarf and if it rained I had to have an umbrella. I think my nana thought she had brought me up the wrong way and made me soft, when in actual fact it was probably just me anyway.”

In the early years of his life, Richard was not aware of his dads’ ways of living. He was more concerned about his own way of living and he started to question his sexuality when he was about 13 years old. “I can never ever remember fantasizing about girls when I was younger, but I can vaguely remember thinking about boys. It was never sexual fantasies, but more of an infatuation,” Richard said. “When I looked at boys I was more fascinated by their bodies or something. I looked at boys for longer then I looked at girls and I didn’t know why, but I didn’t realize I was doing it until about this age and I started to question why.”

“One night my dad just asked me to see a show that he was doing. I didn’t know what to expect at first. But it just took that one time to see him in his full glory with all these fantastic frocks, makeup, feathers…and I just thought it was totally…amazing.”

As Richard discovered more about himself, he also discovered more about his father Kevin. The man he thought was “uncle Rolly” who his dad lived with was actually his partner. Richard thought the bed they shared was because one worked day shifts and the other worked nights, but he soon realized that this was in fact their marital bed. “I was never sat down and told,” Richard said, “I just realized for myself.”

Two confusing years later, Richard was finally given the clarification he needed to prove that his dad was gay. “One night my dad just asked me to see a show that he was doing. I didn’t know what to expect at first. But it just took that one time to see him in his full glory with all these fantastic frocks, makeup, feathers…and I just thought it was totally…amazing.”

After watching the first show, Richard found himself going more and more. The more he went around the “gay scene” in Newcastle watching the shows, the more he realized how comfortable he felt there and he started to make friends of his own. “I would watch my dads show with some other gay friends I met there and then we would go out for drinks.” Richard said, “I was already questioning my sexuality, but I guess this just made me even more certain that I was gay.”

When Richard was 15 years-old, he finally admitted to himself and a couple of close friends the truth – he was gay too. But as word got out around school, Richard was afraid that he would be a target for bullies. But quite the opposite happened. “I don’t think people, especially the more masculine lads in the year, understood me before I came out,” Richard said, “but afterwards I feel I made a lot more friends, once I was being my true self. More straight lads started to talk to me because they finally understood why I wasn’t so much into sport or why I was always best friends with girls. I think I changed a lot in a year.”

Richard’s new-found lifestyle echoed that of his fathers, but he was still terrified of telling him. “When I told him he said it was fine, but that he wished I wasn’t. Not because there is anything wrong with it, but because he knows that if you don’t have a lot of friends or family support, it can be a very lonely life. But he makes everything so much easier for me,” Richard said.

As Richard continued to flourish, there was one person he dreaded telling the most – his mother Sandy. With a failed marriage because of Kevin being gay, Richard was afraid of her reaction to his all so similar situation. It was one simple mistake that led Sandy to find out the truth about her son - as he left a window open on his computer which was a social networking website for gay people. When Richard returned to find her sitting on his bed with the computer, he knew it was time to come clean. “She never cried in front of me, but I suspect she did. I think it took her a long time to accept. But now she even takes interest in my boyfriend and asks more questions.”

Now five years on, Richard comfortably lives his life happily, and his relationship with his father has never been better. While most father and sons would spend their time together going to football matches or perhaps playing video games, Richard and Kevin spend many nights out drinking together on the gay scene and Richard is one constant familiar face in the audience of Kevin’s shows.

“I guess you could say we’ve finally found a common ground. I love watching the shows, I think it’s fantastic. He wasn’t really part of my life for years and now he’s like my best friend,” Richard said. “I tell him everything and I’m so lucky to have a dad like him. Our relationship might not be your typical father and son relationship, but it works. We are who we are.”